A Western dude trained in the ways of the ninja has to protect an ancient wooden box from a rogue techno ninja who killed their sensei (master). What do we call this film? Ninja, of course.

Could have called it The Last Ninja. Tom Cruise wouldn’t mind.

If the title didn’t give away how straightforward this movie is, the first monologue — two minutes into it — gave away all the plot.

First and foremost, this is not Ninja Assassin, the one by the Wachowskis and starring Rain, the Korean pretty boy. This was Ninja, and not only was the story so very ‘heterosexual’, everything about it was straight and screams ‘video games’.

In fact, watching it is like reading Ken’s bio when you finish his stages in Streetfighter.

Casey (Scott Adkins of X-Men Origins: Wolverine) is an orphan who was brought up by his sensei, Takada after his mother left him. He is a favoured student and has a platonic relationship with his sensei’s daughter Namiko (rhymes with Namco) played by Mika Hijii. Cue jealousy, and perhaps penis-envy, from the antagonist  Masakuza (Tsuyoshi Ihara).

Masakuza manages to get himself expelled from the dojo after attacking Casey with a sword. Thus begins his career as ‘techno ninja’ who uses guns and night vision goggles, and perhaps even the Internet, to kill Russian oligarchs. He wants the Yoroi Bitsu, a wooden box kept by Takada and this sparks a series of unlikely events.

For example, if you were told by a rogue ninja that he wants to steal your wooden box, what would be the best place to keep it? A dojo filled with other ninja masters, perhaps? No. Send it to New York, to a frickin’ museum, where no Western dude can hold the techno ninja for two seconds without getting his jugular slashed with a carbon fibre katana.

Also, if you were a ninja master, why would you be walking outside, in your gi and geta (wooden sandals) in the middle of a torrential downpour, carrying two sais? The ground is wet and slippery, man! You could keel over and stab yourself with your sharp, pointy weapons. No wonder ninjas don’t get insurance coverage.

That being said, the action sequences were pretty okay. Not mindblowing, but if you watch it after a hard day’s work, and feel like beating people up, Ninja can certainly deliver. Mika Hijii is also very cute — she looks like she’s just about to burst into tears, even while fighting using her ‘awesome ninja skills’ — and makes you want to get out and get Kamen Rider Blade just to see more of her.

Come to think of it, Ninja is so manly that Namiko, the daughter of a ninja master, can barely hold her own in fights and is only effective if she has a stick in her hands. Mmm... Freudian slip?

Anyway, this movie doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, meaning it screams “direct-to-video”, except here in Malaysia. Oh well. It’s all right, really, as a stress-reliever.

Meanwhile, the trailer of Raging Phoenix, another release by the same distributor, RAM Entertainment, looks promising. It’s got a Thai girl martial artist fighting using muay thai and breakdancing. Gotta catch that one!

Ninja opens today nationwide.